Loving and Losing…Happy Mother’s Day to You Too

Today I celebrate my mother and the love’s she’s extended to me throughout the years. It’s a difficult day for the both of us. One because this is the first Mother’s Day that my mom doesn’t get to hear her mom’s (my grandmother’s voice). It’s the first year that she has to spend it knowing that the only opportunity she’ll have to spend with her mom again, is through the hope of heaven. I can sympathize with my mom. I can’t imagine a day that I won’t be able to speak to my mom: a day that I can’t see and hug my mom and tell her how much I care about her, even in her worst of days.

As I grow older I’m witnessing mom’s little words of wisdom come to pass. Although I’m only 33, I’m recognizing that those little aches and pains that I deemed my mom overly exaggerated are rearing their ugly heads. Then there’s those other things like “You’ll understand the love I have for you, when you become a mother.”

Today those words reign so true. Last year on September 26, 2011, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, Hunter Felix. He had to be delivered by emergency c-section. I remember hearing his heartbeat, prior to his arrival. It was so incredibly strong. And approximately 9 hours after I delivered him, he gained his wings and was taken to heaven.

Mother’s Day has a new meaning for me. It’s the day that I celebrate the love I have for my mom and also reflect on the love I have for my son. I am honored to have had the experience, if only for a few hours. But truthfully, I had him longer than that. From the day I found out that I was carrying him, (June 7, 2011, it’s funny how some dates are just easy to remember) to the very moment I was given anesthesia to deliver him, I’ve never loved so hard and so much.

There’s no greater feeling than to feel the little kicks in the evening. I remember how just singing hymns soothed him so much. It was my way of communicating to him and letting him know that everything would be just fine. I remember seeing him for the first time and loving even the little “Lima Bean” (it was what he looked like to me on the first ultrasound). Even my routine was changed to make sure that I kept my Hunter safe and sound until his arrival. The love I have for him is unmatched. It’s nothing I’ve ever felt before. The last thing I ever said to him was a hymn, “Come Unto Thee”. It was my way of telling him that no matter what, we were both going to be OK.

So today, although my son isn’t here with me, he’s given me a gift that will never be able to be repaid. He allowed me to be his mommy and have those first experiences with him. And regardless of how short the time, (approximate 9 hours), God’s gift of Hunter, made me a mommy nonetheless. He left me additional hope and eternal reassurance. But most importantly…he gave me one more reason to strive for a place in heaven. And I thank God so much for that!!!

Happy Mother’s Day to all of those who have living children. And an extra special Mother’s Day to those who have ever had children and have lost them, no matter how short the period of time.

Me carrying Hunter one week before he was born